♀

I am in the crevice of a willow
Where I sit
Patiently impatient
For the clocks to turn blue, for the wind to follow you

I’d be lying if I said I could hear angels
Or birds
Or the calls of the ocean
I am too far from the heavens, even farther from the sky
And I am certainly treading on the driest of land 

With my shaking hands I will continue to dig
Deeper and deeper, 
I promise to deliver
My blood, dripping off of my parasite ridden flesh

I will rise from this hole I dig
With a thirst so insatiable 
I could strip a soul
Separate it from its person
Clean it of its sins

I will live

I will breathe

My hands will know no quaver

My back will no longer ache

My eyes, unashamed

Not one word would suffice
Nothing can be said—
to aid me in depicting the pain you so effortlessly put me through,
repeatedly,
shamelessly,
selfishly— 

and the hatred that I feel for you
For myself 

I’ll never understand exactly why you came into my life
But I wish you hell
My limbs are swollen
Aching to burst,
the water drowning me from the inside out 

I am heavy
and even as this weight paves a path to oxygen
I feel no lighter
The dust scarcely tinting my sticky lids 

I want to stand on the ground but you’ve forced me to sink beneath it
I want to know how you managed to do that
How did you do it? 
Was it easy?
Did you try?

I am down on all fours
My face a few measly inches shy of the dirt
The lowest a mortal can be— 
before they meet death

I am ashamed
I am ashamed
That you are the one that discovered a way,
to braid a rope of sand around these very words
How you pulled them out of me
Whilst remaining completely and utterly silent
 

Fuck you, 
Fuck you and your mom 
Fuck your entire existence

This whole world should go up in flames 
If it does I pray to god you go last
I want you to see the light go out of everyones eyes 

I promise I’ll gather your ashes
I will plant it so that you grow into a tree
Then just when you think your death bed is set 
I’ll chop you down, tear you to shreds

You will be recycled,
multiple times
until you become the material used to clean the human ass.
You will die a million deaths you fucking faggot.

Until my bones splinter, I’ll call you home
Don’t run for the hills because I’ll let you go
I am fading right into you
Bury me slowly, let no water creep through

Tug on these strings my little puppeteer,
I am bored
Heed my calls
Reach those fingers in
Grab my eyes, my ears, my jaw
These ribs they crawl

Play doctor, 
Sit and talk
Be my rock

Late enough to wake me up
Early enough to fall asleep

I kneel 
to think, to wish
For these unforgiving winds to freeze these unwanted waters that creep up to my toes
I am cold, tracing the edges of your bedpost
In my mind
I forget
I forget
I only wish to forget
everything that was done, everything that was said
and everything that wasn’t said at all

I would wait for the sun to rise
again and again
but my hands are much too cold
and you’ve surrendered to your sheets

I’ve watched the trees bend and crack

They scrape the head of this little old bust
of this little old lady
in this little old place

She is haunted
Her gilded surface gleams beneath the shattered light that pierces these crystalline skies

I’ve held my breath for once
That breath is meticulously braided and hangs loose
Like a noose around my worn down neck

With bright eyes I waited for sun to kiss your pallid lips,your brittle bones

I yearn to mend you
To mend me

To leave her alone with herself
Would be ones gravest mistake

The jury left
And the little girl jumped
Jumped she did, and down she fell

We all drowned in her,
She swallowed us whole
She laughed and sang
“I told you so!”

To leave her alone with herself
Would be your gravest mistake

Because she will come back and do it again

You are so desperate
Reaching for something
Something so minute, flawed
Everything you think you need
Everything everyone else owns

Hungry, thirsty, kneeling in front of the gods
in hopes that they pity your poor soul
for you are beautiful, so very beautiful
so beautifully empty
so beautifully alone

I wish they could see what I see 
however I must admit, 

what I see in you I also see in me

Sad sad sad sad,
Crybaby is sad
Crybaby is lonely
Crybaby is bland

He is under your pillow,
glued to your ceiling
next to the arm you sleep on
He will be there when you wake up
Your spouse by default

Crybaby is
Crybaby is
Because Crybaby is

The sound of your hands
Hitting your thighs, your flat feet,
thudding across these linoleum floors

I realize, you fill my body with encarcerated words
like Michelangelos Moses, I am frozen
I never defend my master.
The tablets never slip my hands, 
I never stand, my body of stone fettered to my seat
Eyes eternally dazed. 
Glazed, with indecision and wounded pride.

I wonder, whether or not I am ill. Am i ill?
I am not broken, I am not ashamed.

Your face, it has an etherial glow
You’re from the heavens, sent to punish me
But I think, your purpose could not possibly be I
how selfish, how crazy, my naivety
My earthly vision of you coexists with your sublminal twin
He lives in my mind
An illusion, a lie, a result of possible psychosis,
maybe

Well beyond the threshold of my conscious head
My perceptions of reality are very much fucked
By you.
Only you.
Just you.

You.
A venereal disease.
Impossible to rid the body of
Contagious. 
Contracted by such pleasurable sin.

Sin.
this sin
Those damned celestial figures steered me to commit it.

And you did this, while walking
tapping your fragile hands
The steady breeze that trailed behind you, found refuge with me
Euphoric, sleep inducing
A mothers arms to an infant

I will be your only window in that ghostly house.
Your only passage to the light of god
But I have shutters.
Wooden shutters.
And you refuse to sully, to taint.
To touch.

I am not broken, I am not ashamed.
I refuse to be broken, 
And I refuse to be ashamed.